HOLIDAY FRUIT CAKE RECIPE
(From Texas Cooking)
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
----and a bottle of whiskey.
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
3. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
4. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
5. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
6. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
7. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
8. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
9. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
................................From Texas Cooking
THE BLONDE AND THE THERMOS
A blonde walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her.
Her boss asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
DINNER PARTY PREPARATIONS
There were guests coming for dinner and the hostess was running behind schedule. While out shopping for last-minute items, she decided to speed things up by calling home to have her 16-year-old son do some advance preparations. "Wash the salad vegetables, set the table for ten and put 12 large potatoes in the oven to bake at 350 degrees." As an after thought she added, "And make sure you stick each potato with a fork before you put them in to bake." When she got home, she was pleased to find her son had followed her instructions exactly: vegetables washed, oven on, table set for ten - minus her red-plastic-handled forks, which were individually adorning each potato in the oven
MEAT LOAF FOR THE BOSS
Anxious to please his boss, Joe invited his boss to dinner. Now Joe enjoys plain cooking, but for this special evening his wife prepared a fancy meat loaf. Joe was nervosus but his boss was delighted. As his boss reached for a second helping he said, "Is the meat loaf ever good."
"Very seldom." Joe mumbled.
Frank and Edith had made some changes in their lives. Frank had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, Edith had taken a job in an IHOP restaurant. When Editgh returned home after her first day at work, she gave her husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to her longer than usual. I asked, "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?"|
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER
First remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
Insert the dinner into the microwave oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove he dinner from the oven and enter:
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
TRUCK STOP DINER
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered, he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
Try saying each 3 times fast!
- Give Papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
- Betty better butter Brad's bread.
- Chop shops stock chops.
- Lovely lemon liniment.
- Sly Sam slurps Sally's soup.
- Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.
- Cheryl's chilly cheap chip shop sells Cheryl's cheap chips.
- Lily ladles little Letty's lentil soup.
- Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.
- A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
When a bachelor cooks, what is his favorite dish?
Any one that's clean.
.....................By: Joan A. From: Kenosha, WI